One year ago today I experienced one of the most frightening days of my life. I quit my job.

I had never NOT had a job. At least since I was 15 years old. And here I was at 47 and jobless. It felt surreal, refreshing, frightening, but mostly, it felt like the ending of my life. I felt like I died. It had such a finality to it. I turned off my home computer and went to bed at the end of that work day. I don’t think I had slept so good in years. I slept so good that when I woke up, I felt as if I had been reborn. I felt like a new me. I looked the same, I was still living in the same place, I still had to get up and take Owen to school, but for some odd reason, old skin had been shed and the old Denise gave way to this new Denise. I felt very lost those first few weeks, but it was exhilarating. For the first time in my adult life, each morning I woke up I was able to ask myself, “What do I want to do today?”

I worked for this family owned company for almost 20 years. I took the job out of desperation because I truly could not stand the job I was in at the time. The pay was ok, but the flexibility over shadowed any financial deficiencies. And over the years I grew to love the company, the people who were employed by it, the family that owned it and my place in it. I took my job very seriously because of my loyalty to the company’s President. He had shown me such grace in difficult times and proved to be a great partner for me. As his “work wife” I excelled and due to his flexible nature I was also able to excel as a real wife and mom at home. The job was close to our house, the kids schools and rather stress free for the most part. It seemed like I fit perfectly for them and them for me.

As the years went on, my time there became increasingly more stressful but not overwhelming. With each change I moved into position and tackled what needed to be done. My family and this company’s family became ever closer, so when the decision was made that they’d move themselves and the business to Texas in order to continuing thriving (California is not the best place for a small business to grow and succeed), and that I’d stay behind in CA to run the warehouse, it was a sad time. Not being physically near my ever moving President to wrangle him in his office to discuss important items I needed answers on was very hard for me. I did the best I could from a few states away, but I see this time as the beginning of the breakdown in communication with he and I. Getting things second hand from him through others just didn’t seem to work as well. It was at this time I found myself working harder than I ever had before in any job. Long stressful days dealing with many multiple catastrophes, some unexpected – some self inflicted, turned into even longer nights where I had so much anxiety I could not sleep. Averaging 2-3 hours of sleep a night and 12 hour working days pulled me from my priority – family. The guilt of this added to my already full brain. But I just didn’t have enough fuel to be both a loyal worker and a good wife/mom. And since, the first job was actually a paid gig when money was needed, the later job of taking care of the family (and myself) suffered greatly. In all honesty, it was not just the money that made me stay. It was also because of my love for my President and his family, my stubbornness, my loyalty, my unwavering belief that I could turn it all around somehow and the fear of being jobless at 47 years old and having to start all over somewhere new. I would pray all the time. I always prayed for the same thing. I prayed for TIME and I prayed to BREATHE. To just simply breathe. I’m not sure why TIME was always in the forefront of my mind, but I knew the breathing was because I was constantly catching my breath. In the last couple years I never breathed slow or deep and I desperately wanted to be able to.

One year ago today I woke up in the morning and did what I always did – grabbed my phone and checked my emails. For the last 2 years they were never really good happy emails though. Talking to my customers, who I had built a 19 year relationship with, they were never snappy or mean to me, but they were definitely tired of getting the run around and expected better from me. Hell, I expected better from me. But I had no good news to offer them and the news I was receiving from our main branch was never consistent. At this point, I could never count on anyone’s word about anything really…and that was an awful feeling. And it wasn’t their fault. They were getting bad information as well. I was the constant bearer of bad news to customers who were getting increasingly frustrated with my false promises. And I started doing things that were not of my character or in my DNA make-up. Mainly, lying. I was lying to them to buy time in hopes a miracle occurred and all would be well. This behavior weighed on me heavily. I didn’t recognize myself when I looked in the mirror. I looked exhausted, unhappy, bloated from bad food and too much wine, my face flanked with a constant frown. I was definitely not myself. So that morning, when I saw the page long, chew my ass out, ALL CAPS and !!!!’s email from a loyal customer, (whom I had told and truly believed that his WAY overdue order had shipped the day before) had actually not shipped …I broke. When I called the main branch to inquire about this and was told the order 100% did not ship and, in fact, it hadn’t even been started nor did we have any material to complete it…I broke again. I knew I could not tell this guy the horrific news. I had already promised him three other deadlines that were missed. My gas tank was empty. To him, it would have looked (if it didn’t already) as if my integrity, my word and my character were shot. I gathered enough strength to message the 3 people (coworkers, but also friends) who had sustained me the last year and uttered, “I’m done. I can’t do this anymore”. I felt like I had let them down so badly. We were sad, shocked and scared, but not surprised. We all knew the end was coming. My announcement just made it a reality. At least for me it did. A few hours later I called my President. He didn’t fain surprise either and our conversation seemed distant, matter of fact and short. It was a very sad ending to a long road of happy times, memories made, good work completed and successful business growths. Sometimes I reflect back to see what I could have done different and kick myself for mistakes made, but ultimately I realize I am human and did the best I could. Ultimately, the company closed it’s doors and I am not sure if anyone ever emailed that loyal customer back.

Today, one year later, I have accomplished so much more than I could have ever dreamed possible in this short time. Writing books, starting this blog, completing editing jobs and doing consulting work, losing weight, taking care of my family better than ever before, becoming present in my life rather than being a bystander on auto-pilot to name a few, but mostly I have brought breathing back into my life. The delicious ability to sit back, think and breathe deeply. And, now I know why I always prayed for TIME. This TIME I am so grateful for, this last year of time to breathe, has been one of the happiest times of my life. I am fully aware of how lucky I am that I have a hardworking supportive husband to have fallen back on and I thank him feverishly. He granted me this time to recollect, reinvest and reinvent myself.

Everything in life works out exactly the way its meant to be. I am so grateful for my time at The JRS Company – the knowledge I gained, the confidence it created, the friendships made, the job opportunities it has gleaned and the TIME it ultimately forced me to take.